bubble within a bubble

I have to start today's Nikolai story with yet another Nikolai story or two, just for some context.
Nikolai's addiction to sugar has been a tough thing to conquer. He tries at every turn to get his hands on anything containing sugar. When I ask him what he wants to eat he lists about 40 things (cinnamon toast, sugary cereal, ice cream, cookies, etc.) before I finally give up and start giving him choices between two non-sugar-centric meals. The reason for this is a recent discovery that he is reliably a sweet mild mannered child unless he has had suger. This even applies to things like apples and oranges. The solution is to limit it to very sparse amounts. This morning is a great example of why. Here we had some breakfast and I thought yogurt (la creme, nothing sugar packed for children or anything) might be acceptable, so I gave him a package of yogurt. An hour later he's bouncing on the couch like a fart on a skillet making raspberries with his hands and shaking his head for 10 minutes solid. And this is just yogurt.
In the effort to decrease his sugar intake I've had to reorganize the kitchen a bit, putting sugary snacks up out of his reach and sight. One of the things I wasn't really able to do was move the 4 ceramic jars on the counter which contain things like flour, sugar, etc. So, since this is still "in reach", Nikolai has taken every opportunity that he can find when he thinks he's not being supervised closely to drag a chair into the kitchen, hop up, open the jar as quickly and quietly as he can and start shoveling it in. Fortunately for me (and him, contrary to his opinion) the ceramic jars make clinking sounds when he opens them, so generally I come running and deal with the situation accordingly.
Well, one of those times in his absolute haste to get that white stuff in his mouth he grabbed the largest of the four containers, opened it and began shoveling gigantic spoons full of it in his mouth. To his dismay the largest container was full of flour, and so when I came running into the kitchen he looked up at me with his mouth full of semi-dry flourpaste with the most offended look. It was highly entertaining, and I figured it was just one of life's little lessons.

So this morning Anthony and Nikolai and I were in the kitchen making coffee. Anthony had poured his coffee and was asking where the sugar was. I figured Nikolai was pounce on the chance to actually have permimssion to open the sugar container on the counter so I asked him "Nikolai, do you want to show Anthony where the sugar is?" as I grab a chair from the kitchen and bring it to the counter for him. He gets up from the floor where he was driving his car and says "Yeah!!" and goes to the opposite counter and points to a container of Raid and says "Here it is!!"
Anthony says "He's trying to kill me!!"

hahahaha - we all got a good laugh, even if Nikolai didn't understand why we were laughing.

maybe it's not me?

You know, I'm beginnign to think that perhaps it's not me. Maybe it seems like it's me but it's not. Perhaps I am just representative of what the problem is, or perhaps I'm just a reminder of something that's more difficult.

Either way, at least I got it out of my system. :) Today is an easier day. ...so far

why do grown adults insist on adolescent communication?

Unless you know full well why I should be annoyed and pissed off, you can just skip this blog post.

If you are reasonably sure you are the source of my sadness, or you're just dying of curiosity as to what has gotten me upset enough to actually blog about it, read on.

I rarely use my blog to whine about annoying goings on in my life, but today I just can't resist. Perhaps it's the complete lack of my ability to resolve issue with the person with which it must be resolved, who knows. I'm sorry to say that today I can not hold back. I must kvetch.

At work, day in and day out, I to do my best at doing a job that most people underappreciate. That part of it is ok with me. I know it's work that needs to be done, so I do it to the best of my ability, as I try with everything. I just generally try my best to do things to the best of my ability. Sometimes my ability isn't that great, and that's OK with me, too.
Many times along the way I make really bone headed decisions, I know that. Most of the time they're silly and inconsequential, relatively, so I just try to chuckle and move on. I try to just contine on with the knowledge that I'm not gonna make that mistake again. Sometimes the silly "oops"s become more than that (like today I broke the build with a boneheadedly ignorant check-in move), and you have to just deal with it and move on. 99.9% of the people around are pretty forgiving. There's always that one person who still grumbles in his/her office about you, but what can you do. We do the best we can.
And then every once in a while when you make a stupid boneheaded maneuver someone in your environment blows a f*#&ing gasket. To make matters worse, this same individual who for all appearances has blown a gasket over something-really-darn-tiny-in-the-scheme-of-things decides it's time to throw a guilt trip. Not a little
"I'm making a point here" guilt trip, either. Not just that day, no. The next day. The following day... Yes, a week later and this person is still treating you with the warmth of a block of dry ice. Has this person discussed things with you? Nope.

And then there's the remote possibiliy that there's actually something ELSE going on there that you, as the guilt-tripee, don't already know about. So the nagging doubt causes you stress and anxiety. What if...?

Either way, here's the way I see it:
1) This person has apparently not grown up enough to know that it just might be more productive and beneficial in the long run to DISCUSS the issues at hand. (Maybe, JUST MAYBE if you give me a chance I might actually respond positively and things will be better)
2) There's actually something BIGGER going on, but apparently this person is under the impression that not enlightening me as to what I've done wrong is actually a better course of action than simply telling me what I've done wrong so I can actually move to rectify the situation. Apologize profusely, sacrifice a scorpion, whatever needs to be done. This person is lacking the maturity to actually face it, or the scruples to actually give me a chance to make good or defend myself appropriately.

I am a firm believer in consulation and all it has to offer to small two person groups right on up to the largest of groups.
I have done my best to confront this individual, to offer my apologies and promises that I will do my best not to do this (albeit fairly minor offense) again. But from what I can tell I am unarmed with the information necessary to really respond in a productive way. I've made my best effort to rectify this unsustainable situation. I think the ball is just not in my court anymore, which is why I'm whining to the masses on my blog. :-D

Finally I'd just like to say how I'm feeling:
I'm feeling abandoned
I'm feeling alone -- *alone update* this has changed thanks to my wonderful friends
I'm curious if I can continue in this endeavor. My gut says no, but I have surprised myself before.
I'm feeling angry that I'm not being given the chance to make good on something that this person apparently feels is inexcusable and unforgiveable enough to ostracize me.
I'm feeling defensive for no logical reason I can come up with (up with which I cannot come?).
I'm feeling overwhelmed with the compulsion to cover my ass where it might not be covered, also for no logical reason I can fathom.
I'm really really pissed that I've had all of about ONE WEEK of this job where I felt it was actually secure enough that I didn't need to be in panic mode. How can it be that I try my hardest, my best, do everything I can to do a great job and still my job feels at stake?
I'm feeling unbelievably crushed and saddened to find out that a relationship which I thought was a wonderful one is really so fragile as to not be able to withstand something as trivial as this, in the grand scheme of things. I really treasure those around me, including YOU, and you know who you are. Do know that this breaks my heart.

true

hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia:
The fear of long words.

just a regular old update

I have to share a quote from Nikolai this morning. We were on our way to school as usual, although it was a not such an ordinary day because Nikolai was actually awake in the car on the way to school. Generally he sleeps through my getting him dressed, getting me dressed, packing his lunch, etc. and sleeps the whole way to school. Today was a bit different, however, because he had a reasonable bedtime last night and something perked him up this morning and got his adrenaline flowing.
Incidentally, and I know I've strayed way too far from the point here, but I have to mention that I find it yet another cruel murphy's law that in the mornings when I have to get this kid up and dressed and going he will sleep through my stripping him down, puting his clothes on, carting him all over the place, buckling into the car, etc. But at 2:00 in the morning when this very same kid has a hangnail it will wake him up out of a dead sleep (and me, incidentally) and keep him awake until 6:00 am. Where's the cosmic justice?
But back to my point. So we're in the car on the way to Montessori, Nikolai's awake. We've gone over the bumpy road and the bumpy bridge and we're winding our way up the "really windy road" when Nikolai pipes up from the back set, "Mom, go ALLEGRO!!"
I couldn't help but laugh and comment "I think adagio is safer."

The field mice are back

And they brought their body guards.

We haven't see hide nor hair of any mouse since mid-summer. Must have been some sort of family vacation. But apparently they're back, and they brought in some reinforcements. Some muscle men to do reconnaissance.
A few nights ago I saw the largest mouse I've ever seen in my life. He was HUGE! I thought I might have been mistaken and that he was a rat, but no. He definitely had all the mouse facial features.
I pulled out the trusty rusty wonderful have-a-heart trap which we borrowed from our wonderful neighbor way too long ago to still be polite, and baited it with some peanut butter. Historically this has not worked to catch mice in my household. I actually never caught anything in it at all. Anything with hair, that is. I did get a banana slug once.
At any rate, down it went on the floor, in just the path I saw the mouse skitter (which was more like lumber). The next evening I was walking through the kitchen and noticed that I had gotten the mouse. It was curled up into a terrified little mouse ball in the corner. Unfortunately for the mouse I had totally forgotten I had baited and set the trap, and so he had to sit in that trap for who knows how long before I saw him and then through last night and then to this morning when I could take him down to scotts valley with me.
Sorry, Scotts Vally folks, your mouse population is about to explode.
I had gone through all that trouble to bait a trap and get a mouse humanely so I could drive it all the way to scotts valley to let him go in an incredibly human gesture, and as I stepped out the front door this morning I noticed there was another one right in front of the kitchen door. A gift from one of our fluffy friends. Must have been tigger, actually, because kitten would have devoured it.

I'm gonna do some research to figure out what exactly this breed of "mouse" is. The one on the porch was even bigger than the one in the trap! Incredible.

who says boys can't love princess movies?

This happened about a week ago, so I guess I'd better get with the program and blog it here for posterity.
A week ago or so Nikolai, Melissa and I were sitting in my bed watching Cinderella. It'd been a while since he watched it and it was interesting to see how he took to it all over again. I didn't expdect him to. I fully expected to have to change the movie 5 minutes in, but I didn't. He liked it again. He was more in tune with the story line now that he's older, and was understanding things like the sisters tearing Cinderella's dress apart, and the step mother locking Cinderella in her room. He was *VERY* distressed by this stuff, but did allow me to calm him down.
The special scene came where Cinderella finally makes it to the ball and she and the prince are dancing. They're singing, Mama's singing, it's a wonderfully romantic moment that has every ounce of Nikolai's attention, and he says to me:
"I want the castle to explode."
Melissa and I lost it. I was chuckling right on into the next morning.

Yup, he's a boy.

Transmogrification

So, we have a new creature which has been selected as the halloween costume. I'm fairly happy about it because at least it means I don't have to sew anything. I'm a bit bummed about it because I really liked the jupiter costume idea. Oh well, what can you do. I"m also willing to bet this isn't the last costume he selects for halloween. He's decided to be a tyrannisaurus rex this year. We found the perfect costume here:
Sharptooth

The whole world knows a lot more about crocodiles

Thanks to this lovely man. It's a very sad piece of news, inded, that Steve Irwin has died. Incidentally, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. Given the number of things I've seen him escape on television I thought it was some sort of miracle he's survived this long.

why is it that I feel compelled to sew this time every year?

Nikolai has finally decided he will be something other than a pink kitty for halloween. Aunt kelly gave me the idea to introduce to him, and he really took to it. I've been secretly plannign to convnice him to be an astronaut for halloween, but this is even better.
He's gonna be Jupiter.

OK, so maybe I wasn't feeling the sewing compulsion. Nikolai was feeling it for me.

I was thinking about this on the way home from the aquarium last night: I don't think Nikolai has ever thrown up at home. I think there might have been a few times where he'd done most of his impressive hurling while in a public place and with no spare clothes and hurled about 20 times more until we were actually able to get back to the house. By the time we arrive home, generally, he's gotten rid of the contents of his stomach and has nothing else to come out. At least this is my impression. It's probably not true, but it sure feels like it.

Yesterday we got out of the house around 1:00 in an effort to get Melissa to her dad's house. On a whim we decided to go to the aquarium in Monterey. Nikolai's never been, and I thought it was a perfect opportunity to see the fishes. Hindsight, of course, tells me what an absolutely foolish little girl I am to think that Sunday of Labor Day weekend is a "perfect opportunity" to do anything that involves a tourist attraction and a freeway. In fact, most of you are sitting there in your comfy desk chairs thinking "Man, she really is a moron. The aquarium, on LABOR DAY WEEKEND! HAH!". Yes, yes I am. I can't deny it. But I digress.

We left the house at 1:00ish. Thanks to stop and go traffic for most of the way on highway 1 we arrived at the aquarium around 4:00. I hadn't allotted 3 hours of travel time's stress in my daily anti-anxiety dosage, or bladder emptying schedule so I was just about nutso by the time we got there. We stood in a line about as long as the colorado river just to buy our tickets. Once we got in there we rushed STRAIGHT to the mini-colorado-river line for the women's bathroom. I think by the time we got in there it was roughly 5:00. The aquarium closed at 6, so that left us about an hour to enjoy the swirling stinking masses of totally oblivious people gawking at fish.

As it turns out, Nikolai really didn't enjoy himself. He really didn't care much for the fishes, and wasn't at all impressed by the sharks. The otter was apparently not too thrilling either. After it becaume abundantly clear he wasn't really enjoying the sights we decided to bail. We got the incredibly and sickeningly sincere "We *REALLY* regret to inform you the aquarium will be closing in 30 minutes. We are simply heartbroken because we have *SO* enjoyed your visit with us." warning, and decided to hit the gift shops. There wasn't much exciting there in the shops, although I did get a cute all wooden octopus puzzle for Nikolai and some other gifts for special girls.

We left the aquarium at about 5:45ish and hopped right in the car for our trip home. Nikolai was pretty overwhelmed by all of the stimulation at the aquarium. I figured we would just get in the car and drive home and get some rest. Even though we'd sat for 3 hours and then stood for only an hour and 1/2 or so, it seemed like we'd been through hell. I was ready for a nap, that's for sure. Little did I know, Nikolai had other plans for us.

He was pretty tired and it took only a few minutes for him to pass out in the car watching Little Einsteins. A few minutes after he fell asleep he woke up suddenly and decided to spew all over himeslf, his car seat, the only blanket in the car, the buckle on his car seat, into his shirt, down his pants, etc. He still doesn't take too kindly to vomiting, and so his utter shock and horror at what's happening to his body is enough to completely traumatize the poor kid. Unfortunately for the traumatized little thing I wouldn't cuddle him until I could get his shirt and pants and shoes and most of the chunks off, but once I did he was very happy to curl up to my chest for a while under my jacket. After some hasty and difficult cleanup he was wrapped tightly like a little volatile Nikolai burrito in his car seat and drifting off to sleep again.

About fifteen minutes later we revisited this scene. On the side of the road, frantically wiping up chunks and trying to soothe a frantic and sick child enough to get him back into his car seat. These episodes happened about every 15 minutes. After a few hours we were totally out of wipe-able objects (man, and I thought in this day and age that would be impossible) and realized a visit to a store was imperative to our safe/sane arrival at home. First we hit longs in Soquel to look for something - anything - that would help wipe things up and keep this poor child warm. Longs was almost completely useless for this. Why is it that "grocery" and "drug" stores these days have EVERYTHING you don't need, and rarely what you do? They've all taken to stocking things you would never look for in a grocery or drug store. I DEFY you to find a baby blanket in Longs. No, I defy you to find a BLANKET in longs. Period. I was flabbergasted. Not only this, but we looked down every aisle and were totally unable to spot anything cloth to use for wiping up. We found paper towells, that was just about the best we could do. How very pathetic.

We also had the challenge of finding clothes for this poor shivering thing. He'd soaked everything we had for him (which incidentally and surprisingly was quite a bit, since we had several changes of clothes to start out with), so we needed to find something with warmth he could wear. The ONLY thing to be had was a big pile of UCSC Banana Slugs t-shirts and sweatshirts. A sweatshirt would have been PERFECT, but they only had those in large and extra large. We ended up with a $15 banana slug t-shirt that we didn't want in the first place. On the way out I spotted towels. It was a miracle I wasn't expecting, and I was very grateful for. They were all colors that I would normally refuse to spend money on, as a matter of principle, but when you're desperate you're desperate. Anyone want some puce towels? They've only been used once...
After longs there was a short visit to nob hill and then back in the car to continue our eventful trip home.

We arrived at home at about 9:00, and Nikolai stopped throwing up around midnight. 6 hours in the car, 45 minutes in the aquarium, about an hour on the side of the road dealign with vomit. What a wonderful day.